you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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