i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
