You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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