God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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