i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
