I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
