I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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