I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
