she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I need a burrito and a hug.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
