Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
