I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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