I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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