i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
