I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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