My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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