bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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