My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
not ubering you a puppy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
