I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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