she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
