Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
