obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
