She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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it's unicorns you uncultured swine
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize