If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
