dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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