I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
