My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
