Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
