I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
