Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
