Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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