when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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