I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
