shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
