Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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