Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize