Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
