Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
