I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
