This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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