Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
