On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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