don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
