I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
