you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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