if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
