hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
