god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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