if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is Oprah even human
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