He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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