The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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