I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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