i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
