Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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