My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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