my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
