Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
