At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
